Giving your child a voice in mediation

Why involve children?

"Providing parents act properly divorce shouldn't be a problem"

Research finds that:

Continuing conflict between parents is damaging to children
Most children are attached to both parents and become distressed when their relationship with either is severed or severely damaged
Children derive their security from doing ordinary everyday things with both parents
Children do not necessarily need equal time with each parent, they do need two equal parents

"We don't want to make decisions but we do want our voice to be heard"

Research shows children want their voice to be heard about future arrangements at the time of parental separation. This can be achieved by being offered the option of talking with a mediator.
Children from the age of around 8 and upwards can talk with a mediator in confidence and separately from you, to share their thoughts and concerns about parental separation now and in the future. They will choose what, if anything, is reported back to parents. This is usually a one off appointment for which there is no charge. Your mediator will discuss this with you in more detail.

What most children say

Divorce and separation can have adverse effects on children's adjustment and future life chances. This need not be the case if parents consider the advice from children given below. The messages are clear and simple and, are backed up by research findings.

[Source: Kent F.M.S.]

What does involving children mean?

At Thames Valley we routinely offer parents the opportunity for their children to be seen in mediation.

Children from the age of around 8 and upwards can talk with a mediator in confidence and separately from you, to share their thoughts and concerns about parental separation now and in the future. They will choose what, if anything is reported back to you.

Children are only invited to speak to your mediator if you both agree to it. We are very clear that children are under no obligation to take up the invitation, although we usually find that they welcome it.

Your mediator will speak with you about involving your child or children. If they don't and you would like them to be seen please raise it with your mediator who will discuss it with you in more detail.

This is usually a one off appointment for which there is no charge.

How will it work?

The most important thing to say is that we will only invite your children to talk with a mediator with the permission of both parents.

If you both agree then the mediator will do three things:

They will talk to you about whether there are any particular things you would like to hear your child's or children's views about; explain that children sessions are private and that it is for the children to decide whether anything is fed back to their parents and what can be fed back; explore how you might deal with any feedback; make practical arrangements to bring your child or children to the centre and arrange a follow up session with you.
They will write to your child or children and invite them to come the session that has been arranged for them. If the child or children don't want to come then that's fine, it is important that they are not pressured to attend. Most children want to come though, even if it's just to see where there parents go, check out who they are seeing and let off a bit of steam. Every child session starts with an explanation about privacy, then there's time to talk and finally the mediator will check what, if anything, can be told to you. Children can be seen separately or together depending on their preference.
See you again, as soon as possible after the child session, to pass on and discuss feedback, if any, and next steps.

How much will it cost?

There will be no charge for your children coming to see a mediator at Thames Valley Family Mediation Service.